Getting divorced is hard. Getting divorced in your 40s is even harder. Now add in having not dated in 25 years, and OMG. It’s excruciating. But in talking with other women, I discovered a universal self-image issue. And after getting out there and talking with some more other women, I discovered a universal answer. So, whether you are married or not, older or not, for all of you out there doubting if you’ve still “got it,” let me tell you: Yes, Mama, you’ve still got it!
As I was beginning the divorce process I was starting to imagine dating again and there was this crazy mix of emotions at the thought of being with someone new. One night I had a very open, very real conversation with a male friend of mine that started to make me think it might not be so bad. Yes, there may have been some alcohol involved. Because as open as I am, I don’t generally go around throwing out all of my insecurities and issues.
Yes, really.
But I opened up to him about my fears about dating again. Who would want me? I’m over 40. Gasp. We’ve been told by media for years that women over 40 are old and used up. They’re not sexy. Sexy is for the 20-somethings.
Boy did he set me straight. Oh heck no!! He’d much rather have a woman over 40 than a 20-something.
I was stunned.
But… but… I’ve had 3 children. 5 Pregnancies. I’ve got wrinkles. And a few more curves than before. And my hair is starting to grey…
Nope, he said. Women over 40 are sexy-they’ve still got “it.” They know what they want, they know who they are and they know what they like. And it’s hot.
But….
It’s hard to say it out loud. I don’t like it. I don’t want to tell him that I don’t like what I see in the mirror. The girls have headed south. I may have been joking about that for years, but it’s different when I could be standing in front of someone new. Who didn’t know them when they were young and perky. I’ve got stretch marks. Five pregnancies left a few marks. Who would find that attractive? And that little poochy belly that doesn’t seem to want to go away afterwards…. yeah, got that too.
Oh no, he said. That poochy belly? That produced babies, and that is incredibly sexy.
But, even if they weren’t YOUR babies??
Yup.
We talked this out for quite awhile. I was not convinced. But he gave me enough hope to get out there again. Which is NOT easy after 24 years of marriage. The last time I dated I was in college!!
And I found out…he was right!
All of my issues were MY issues. The issues in my head FAR outweighed any issues the sexy gentleman across the table had with my mom body.
Talking with other women, I found myself in good company. LOTS of women were overwhelmed with these same issues — picking apart their bodies and obsessing over every little “fault” and perceived imperfection. There are a LOT of women out there — both married and single — who are afraid of being unattractive. And lots of other women that have come through to the other side, having found that men were not having the same issues with how we look. In fact, there are plenty of men out there that see past what we perceive as our “faults” and see the sexy woman we completely miss when we look in the mirror.
So, Mamas, I’m here to tell you: You’ve Still Got “IT!!”
Stop obsessing. STOP.
I’m going to let you in on a secret: if he’s interested enough to want to get you naked – he wants you. Which means: You’ve still got it. I’ve yet to hear of a single man that got a woman naked, and then went: nope, no thanks, I’m out!
You know why? Because that doesn’t happen.
One of the best things I did during my divorce was to reach out and join groups for single women. And, let me tell you – we talk. We talk about it all. So, I can tell you — stop worrying!
If he’s into you, and he wants to get his hands on you — it’s because he finds you sexy. He finds you attractive. You’ve still got it Mama!
Stop worrying.
Wear what makes you feel sexy/attractive. Notice I said feel. Because if you feel sexy, guess what — that shows. Whatever it is that makes you feel like you’ve got it going on, wear that. Do that.
If you’re doubting if he’s still into you, give him a chance to show you. And believe him when he shows you. Believe him when he says you’re sexy. Believe him when he says he’s into you. And believe him when he says he wants YOU.
We doubt, we worry. We allow our insecurities to take hold and take over. Stop. Stop it.
I spent 24 years married to a man who let me know that when it came to sex he could take it or leave it. He never made me feel attractive, beautiful or sexy. So when it came time to date again, I was riddled with insecurities.
Two years later, after getting out there, and talking to other women going through the same things, I discovered that there are men out there that find me beautiful, attractive and sexy. And they make me feel that way. And it’s made all the difference.
So, learn from me.
Yes, Mama, YOU’ve still GOT IT!
