Why I Want a Little Pink In My World



I never thought I would be a mom to all boys. Never. Even before I was married, I pictured, dreamed of and just naively assumed that I would have at least one of each. I loved the idea of having a “variety” and experiencing all the things being a mom to a boy would offer and all the things being a mom to a girl would bring.

But then, three boys later, reality hit. I may never have my girl.

Why does it matter? 

I actually hesitated to write my feelings on this particular subject because I feel like it’s somewhat controversial.

I have so many people around me whom I deeply love and respect that have struggled with some type of infertility. And strong, amazing, strong couples who would give anything to have a baby, boy or girl. This isn’t to be insensitive to those dear friends. This is simply me, explaining why after having three amazing sons, my heart still yearns for a daughter.

Maybe someone out there will relate.

I sit here, 18 weeks pregnant, just two weeks away from finding out whether our last baby will be a boy or a girl. For my last three children, I always thought, “Here we go, it’s going to be a girl!” I was always pretty shocked to find out I was wrong! Although my husband will tell you just how little humor I found in those moments, it’s humorous now. I can look back and laugh at how silly it was for me to be sad that I was wrong about having a girl.

After each pregnancy, I just figured “well, the next one will be a girl, because God knows the desire of my heart.”

I love my boys fiercely.

I look at each of them and my heart literally feels like it will explode. It’s a love that I have never felt before. They are each SO unique and I can’t imagine my life without them. That being said, AHEM…in my house:

  • “Be gentle” means punching, but just not so hard.
  • “Be careful” means still climbing up over the couch and flipping over, but just not as fast.
  • “Come give Momma a hug” means running the opposite way, laughing.
  • “Don’t be so loud and rambunctious” means taking volume and energy level from a 10 to a 9.5.
  • “Use your manners” means releasing whatever bodily sounds and smells wherever and whenever (because your brothers and dad will have a good laugh), but always saying “excuse me.”
  • “Don’t hurt yourself” means to test how hard the floor is with your head. 
  • “Don’t break, rip, ruin or demolish that” means to see how much force it will take to destroy.

I am sure you get my point by now.

Sometimes, I just want different.

Sometimes, I just want quiet. And sometimes, I just want to color and finish a whole coloring page with my child without them ripping it up after losing interest. Or I want to put a girlie movie on instead of Dinotrux, Handy Manny or Rescue Bots.

Sometimes I want a daughter.

I don’t want to replace my boys; I just would love for a taste of the other side. All girls are not quiet and sweet—God knows I wasn’t all the time. I was a tomboy in some ways, loved playing with the boys, playing sports and getting dirty. At the same time, I loved playing with my dolls by myself, playing house with those dolls, putting on a pretty dress or snuggling with my mom.

When I think about the desire to have a girl, it’s not just about the kid phase of her life that I yearn for.  I think about everything. Shopping together. Doing her hair. Helping her get ready for prom. Helping her figure out what it means to be a woman. Teaching her how to put on make-up. Helping her get ready for her wedding. Giving her advice when she has her own babies.

But I know that God has a plan for my life. And if His plan for me is to be the mom of 4 amazing boys, then I trust that He will take away that desire for a daughter and fill it with only joy for the life he has blessed me with.

I love my family, I love my sons and I am hyper aware of how blessed I am with it all. But if I am being honest, my heart will just not let go of the dream of having a little pink my world.

Interested in whether that ultrasound showed a boy or girl? Read the second part in Sarah’s story here


  1. Hi Sarah! I completely understand your perspective! And finally, after two boys, we had a baby girl born in December. She is fierce, and demanding, but she’s the little bundle of pink I’ve prayed for my entire life!!
    I’m praying for this last pregnancy for you. God’s plan is obviously bigger than any of our own, but the part of me that always hoped for a little girl is now saying that same prayer for you. ?

    • Casey! Thank you so much. It’s such a weird place to be in but it’s honest. I will take those prayers! You are so sweet!

  2. I have 3 boys (twins + 1) after having a still born daughter. I cried when I found out our last was a boy. People assume we’re “done” after having 3 (with multiple pregnancy complications and lost babies throughout), but I won’t stop until we have a girl. I’m sure our next will be twins again (knew my first live would be twins, then knew the next would be only 1, now know it will be twins again). I’ve debated just doing IVF with chromosomal testing this time, but even with our insurance covering most of the IVF the testing itself (which they won’t cover, even with repeat chromosomal issues) is expensive. If we don’t have at least one girl this time we’re going to have to go for that.

  3. When hubby and I got married he already had a boy. Then we had a boy together. A few years later we decided to try again. I ended up having 3 miscarriages. Then a tough pregnancy – I had to be on bedrest from 14 weeks until the baby was viable. I just KNEW that baby would be a girl. Surely God would give me a girl after such a struggle – boy #3. I cried! Lol. Hubby wanted to be done because he didn’t want to worry about me miscarrying anymore, but I bursted into tears when he asked if he could get a vasectomy. So we agreed that we would have one more…later. Imagine our surprise when we found out we were pregnant when our youngest was 5 months old! We never imagined that we would get pregnant so easily. This time I was certain it would be a boy. Thankfully, I was wrong! Baby girl! I didn’t believe it until they handed her to me. Never took tags off of her clothes until after her birth. I hope you get that experience! Having a girl after so many boys is definitely something special.

    • Amanda, I am so sorry to hear about your heartaches throughout this pregnancy journey. It’s certainly not an easy road. Have you found out if they are twins yet?! Gender? I have an update coming this Friday.

  4. I know exactly how you feel i have2 boys
    After having my oldest we got pregnant 1 1/2 yrs later i wished it was a girl even though i had that gut feeling that it was a boy. (which it was) i love my boys and wouldnt change anything but sometimes i want to try again hoping for a girl but not sure if I’ll ever be ready for #3.

    • Alisia, I never thought I’d be ready for number three either! But here I am with number 4 🙂 Praying you get that girl your heart desires!

  5. Do you know yet?!
    I find out what my second is on May 9. We can only afford two kids so I desperately want a girl but just know it’s a boy.

    • Katie, I have an update coming to the blog on Friday. 🙂 I hope you come back after May 9th to let me know what you are having!! You just never know!

  6. I understand that desire for the female bonding with a young adult or adult daughter, but at least in the toddler years, girls are just as rambunctious, wild, loud, destructive and crazy as any boy. I think societal norms just lead us to be less tolerant of it (consciously and unconsciously). We had two girls first and when we got pregnant again my husband and I both hoped for a boy, for that different perspective, just like you. Although with 3 older brothers if you do get a girl don’t be surprised if she’s more rough and tumble than you imagine. It’s quite a journey watching these human beings, with their distinct personalities, grow up.

    • Skye, I totally get that. In fact, that’s how I was growing up. I was rough and tough and wanted to be my big brothers shadow always. Even talked my mom into playing on his little league team. I was the only girl. I loved it all, fishing, sports and dirt. But I know my mom also loved the tender side of me that my brothers just didn’t have. I was still all girl deep down and loved that side too. Update coming on Friday to the blog! 🙂

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