I never thought I would be a mom to all boys. Never. Even before I was married, I pictured, dreamed of and just naively assumed that I would have at least one of each. I loved the idea of having a “variety” and experiencing all the things being a mom to a boy would offer and all the things being a mom to a girl would bring.
But then, three boys later, reality hit. I may never have my girl.
Why does it matter?
I actually hesitated to write my feelings on this particular subject because I feel like it’s somewhat controversial.
I have so many people around me whom I deeply love and respect that have struggled with some type of infertility. And strong, amazing, strong couples who would give anything to have a baby, boy or girl. This isn’t to be insensitive to those dear friends. This is simply me, explaining why after having three amazing sons, my heart still yearns for a daughter.
Maybe someone out there will relate.
I sit here, 18 weeks pregnant, just two weeks away from finding out whether our last baby will be a boy or a girl. For my last three children, I always thought, “Here we go, it’s going to be a girl!” I was always pretty shocked to find out I was wrong! Although my husband will tell you just how little humor I found in those moments, it’s humorous now. I can look back and laugh at how silly it was for me to be sad that I was wrong about having a girl.
After each pregnancy, I just figured “well, the next one will be a girl, because God knows the desire of my heart.”
I love my boys fiercely.
I look at each of them and my heart literally feels like it will explode. It’s a love that I have never felt before. They are each SO unique and I can’t imagine my life without them. That being said, AHEM…in my house:
- “Be gentle” means punching, but just not so hard.
- “Be careful” means still climbing up over the couch and flipping over, but just not as fast.
- “Come give Momma a hug” means running the opposite way, laughing.
- “Don’t be so loud and rambunctious” means taking volume and energy level from a 10 to a 9.5.
- “Use your manners” means releasing whatever bodily sounds and smells wherever and whenever (because your brothers and dad will have a good laugh), but always saying “excuse me.”
- “Don’t hurt yourself” means to test how hard the floor is with your head.
- “Don’t break, rip, ruin or demolish that” means to see how much force it will take to destroy.
I am sure you get my point by now.
Sometimes, I just want different.
Sometimes, I just want quiet. And sometimes, I just want to color and finish a whole coloring page with my child without them ripping it up after losing interest. Or I want to put a girlie movie on instead of Dinotrux, Handy Manny or Rescue Bots.
Sometimes I want a daughter.
I don’t want to replace my boys; I just would love for a taste of the other side. All girls are not quiet and sweet—God knows I wasn’t all the time. I was a tomboy in some ways, loved playing with the boys, playing sports and getting dirty. At the same time, I loved playing with my dolls by myself, playing house with those dolls, putting on a pretty dress or snuggling with my mom.
When I think about the desire to have a girl, it’s not just about the kid phase of her life that I yearn for. I think about everything. Shopping together. Doing her hair. Helping her get ready for prom. Helping her figure out what it means to be a woman. Teaching her how to put on make-up. Helping her get ready for her wedding. Giving her advice when she has her own babies.
But I know that God has a plan for my life. And if His plan for me is to be the mom of 4 amazing boys, then I trust that He will take away that desire for a daughter and fill it with only joy for the life he has blessed me with.
I love my family, I love my sons and I am hyper aware of how blessed I am with it all. But if I am being honest, my heart will just not let go of the dream of having a little pink my world.
Interested in whether that ultrasound showed a boy or girl? Read the second part in Sarah’s story here.