Many of you wonderful readers out there read my last blog post “Why I Need a Little Pink in my World.” So, I thought it only fair to write an update. It’s been just a few days since finding out the gender of this precious, fourth child due in August. I wrote about how after having three amazing sons, and currently being pregnant, my heart still desired to have a daughter.
I wrote the last post about two weeks before my gender reveal ultrasound. And I am certain that God taught me a beautiful lesson during those two weeks. Let’s back up a few days and I’ll tell you how it all went down.
After that last blog post went live, the feedback, support and just the “I know how you feel” comments were so encouraging to hear. So many of you mothers out there have been in the position of wanting something (notice, I didn’t say ‘need’) so badly, but had to come to the realization that it just might not happen.
For some, it meant getting to a place of peace and acceptance. For others, it meant more determination to keep on trying. And for me, a few things took place that made me realize that whether I had another son or a daughter, my heart would still be filled with unspeakable joy!
I remembered just how amazing and miraculous it is to even have a human being growing inside me.
I don’t think it was a coincidence that during those two weeks, I felt the baby really move around. WOW!
I have done this three times before. But the movement really made me think how cool it is that whoever this baby is, it will be a fun addition to our family. A new personality, a new laugh, a new cry, a new smile, a new person. All three of my boys are so different from each other and I love that. I loved the thought of watching how this next one would fit in.
Things started happening with my boys that made me fall in love with them all over again.
Things that I thought I wouldn’t experience with them as much as I would with a daughter. For example, my boys never want to color. And when they do, it’s for a few seconds. Then they end up either eating, breaking the crayons or wandering off not remembering why they were sitting still in the first place. But in the last couple weeks, my three year old has asked me to color with him. And we have finished whole pages. It’s been a great bonding time for the both of us.
There have been lots of cuddle time and tender moments that have really fed my soul. They have still been my “boys” but there were times I felt that God was preparing my heart for whatever may be. Almost like he was saying, “No matter what happens, trust me that the desires of your heart will still be fulfilled.”
I went in to the ultrasound knowing I wouldn’t be finding out the gender right then in the office. I wanted the technician to put the results into an envelope so my husband and I could find out later on together.
Many times throughout the appointment, the technician would say, “Your baby is so low, I can’t get a good look at the heart or the face.” She would do some other measurements and come back to those spots, hoping the baby would move some. Turns out, the baby was very stubborn and the tech still couldn’t get accurate photos of the heart and the face. By the end of the appointment, I was so worried about the health of the baby, I didn’t even care anymore about the gender!
I just wanted to see that the heart had four chambers! They scheduled me for another ultrasound a few weeks down the road to recheck some areas, but the one thing the tech was able to see without a shadow of a doubt was the gender.
She slipped that little photo into the envelope and I was on my way.
It was also that day that a dear friend told me she had lost her baby due to a miscarriage, just the night before. My heart broke for her, and once again, perspective slapped me in the face.
My heart changed during the weeks leading up to opening that envelope.
Don’t get me wrong, the desire to have a daughter never diminished. I still wanted to desperately see “It’s a girl!” on the photo. But things were in better perspective for me. My boys love me something fierce and the way they show it makes up the most precious and memorable moments of my life. The baby in my womb, no matter the gender, is its own personality and its own person—just waiting to enrich our family’s life to a degree I can’t fathom.
I’ve also realized that no matter what I “get” in any situation in life, I am ultimately not in control. Whatever blessings I do receive in my life are just that, blessings. Ones I would never turn away or refuse.
But, it just so happens that this next blessing will be bringing this family something totally different…