Grief with celebration. Death with life. Life with death.
Last summer, we learned we were pregnant days before the doctors told my dad he had stage 4 cancer with weeks to live. Fast-forward six weeks. We found no heartbeat on the ultrasound only a few days before learning that Dad’s volleyball-size liver tumor was gone. Gone.
Life and Death
We lost our precious baby, but got to keep my dad. With the same tears, I both grieved and celebrated.
Two days from now is that baby’s due date. I still wish with everything in me that I could’ve told her how much I love her. How badly I wanted to know her. How deeply sad I am that she had to go.
But right now, both life and death sit together in my womb. On Thanksgiving Day, my pregnancy test was positive, and we found out very early that we were pregnant with twins. At our next ultrasound, we could only find one baby, and no heartbeat. After waiting a long and heavy-hearted three weeks and still not miscarrying, we had another ultrasound. We wanted to see if perhaps I’d already miscarried and not known it… or something like that.
When my midwife put the ultrasound scope on my belly, our lifeless baby was still there. But next to it was a much larger baby with a strong heartbeat and some hiccups. We were pregnant and almost to the second trimester! My husband nearly passed out.
Worry, Worry, Go Away…
Perhaps you can imagine my emotional state during this pregnancy.
Worry was a mainstay from the time we found out we were pregnant, learned it was twins, then that we’d lost them and finally that we hadn’t and instead were pregnant with one baby.
I can tell you that while grief and death can dwell right alongside celebration and life, worry stands alone. Worry leaves no room for anything but itself. It’s a miserable thief of all the good things that I’d rather have in my heart. Gratitude, peace, joy, and especially delight in the miracle that is pregnancy. Losing this little life is still a possibility, but I can choose to enjoy each day that I get to have with this baby instead of letting worry take even that gift away.
Worry is fueled by fear, and it’s all one big paralyzing lie.
What Did I Do?
I learned that overcoming worry is really quite simple. I started saying no. When fear crept in, I simply said no. And it worked!
I know you have worrisome circumstances, information and people… oh, and an imagination. But we don’t have to give in. Freedom is ours every time we say no to worry and yes to peace and joy. It really is as simple as that.