I love going into my kid’s room after they are fast asleep. It’s that cliche movie scene where the parent cracks open the door once their kids are sleeping and they check in on them. This is my favorite time of the day, but not for the obvious reason of sleeping kiddos–although that is a big plus! Rather, for the reason that it is my last chance before the day is over to right any of my wrongs, to whisper sweet words over them, and to just watch them be.
As I walk in there, I first try to capture in my mind just how little, and at the same time how big they are, laying in their beds. To burn into my memory how big of an impact they have on me, with such little bodies. My son is still in a pack n’ play, which makes his growth obvious from the time when he was a little guy brought home fresh from the hospital. I run my fingers through their thin blonde hair, listen to them breathe, and begin to count my blessings that these little persons call me mama.
This time of night can be my most emotional time of the day. One minute I’m in awe of their cuteness, the next I’m feeling the guilt of how I was short tempered and lacking in patience with them over the course of the day, and then I’m a hot mess crying about how I pray that nothing bad to ever happens to them–which as mama’s we have no real control over.
It also lets me recount the hard nights we had with them, when we were sleep training. Those nights when I thought I was losing my sanity and had very little hope for my kiddos to be happily sleeping in their own beds, and so soundly.
I can just lay there, next to them and reflect on the day; what joys I had with them, and to give them and myself grace for the hard moments we shared together.
Sometimes I imagine their future and get lost in the rabbit trails that can take me on–like who they will become, who they might marry, what they might do. I like to think this is my mama way of preparing for their growing up, to savor the moments of their tiny bodies just sleeping peacefully in the beds that we provided them. They are safe, they are quiet, they are my babies.
Sometimes these aspects can cause me to question so many things, because who am I to be raising these kids–half the time I have no clue what I’m doing, and think I’m failing at everything. Other times the tears are because time is passing by so rapidly, and I can’t do a darn thing to slow it down–and then facing the guilt I have of wanting time to move faster to get out of a season of life that I’m struggling with. Those ebbs and flows that I don’t feel blessed or joyful to be experiencing–can we have a moment of silence for the terrible twos…
These nights that I spend laying beside them will always be one of my favorite times with them. I believe that maybe in this season of life it is because they aren’t driving me nuts, in need of something, or dependent on me–which can all seem negative when presented like that, but it is the honest truth in raising two toddlers. Therefore, when they are both asleep and not in need of anything, I can simply focus on the positive aspects of these beautiful children that I call mine.
But I’m also a tired mama, so some nights I just look at how cute they are and kiss them on the cheek, bolt out of the room, and be thankful that they are both sleeping–and join them in catching Z’s.
What is your favorite time of day as a mama?
