It’s a boy!
The day we found out our first son, Moses, was a boy was wonderful! I remember being in the doctor’s office with my husband, Troy, and seeing his little face, arms and legs wriggling around on the ultrasound. He was so active and perfect inside my womb.
Troy looked at me and said, “He shall be called Moses.” It was like that moment was solidified into my memory. We planned a gender reveal party. There was such joy and excitement in the room as we shared about our little boy. That was only 2 weeks before he was born – but it felt so much longer that we loved and celebrated our little guy.
The moment you dread: pregnancy loss
At 22 weeks gestation, Troy and I were preparing to have a date when I went to the bathroom and saw red when I wiped. This is the moment every mom hopes won’t happen. I remember thinking this must be no big deal, but couldn’t shake the feeling of “what if” something was wrong? I called the doctor and they told me to come in for a checkup. So we waited; still planning to head out on our date after visiting the doctor and they told us all was fine.
But it wasn’t…
That day seemed to go on forever. I remember nurses saying I needed to change into a hospital gown and I had to clarify as to why. They said they were going to send me up to labor and delivery. “So, we aren’t leaving?” No. I was still so unaware and in shock of all that was going on. That day in the labor and delivery room was horrible. It was like a nonstop fight for the life of our son amidst the everyday joys of other women delivering their babies.
We were willing to do anything, ANYTHING to make sure our boy lived. Yet the entire time it felt like hopelessness and despair were filling the rhetoric of the doctors.
The birth of our son
I had not been willing to let my son go until the moment a whisper inside said, “It’s okay.” In that moment, I released all I had been holding on to. My water broke and gushed across the room; so much so that people had to jump back. “He shall be brought forth from the water” is what is written of the baby Moses in the Bible. Our son lived for only a few moments. I just remember wanting it all to end. I wanted it all to go away.
My friends went home, my baby was wheeled away, and I spent the night recovering, without our sweet Moses to hold. Empty arms. Pregnancy loss.
Support during our grief
During that time many friends, family and community showed up for us as we grieved the loss of our first-born son. Cards in the mail, homemade meals, cookies from neighbors — all gestures of love to show us we were seen and remembered. We were not alone.
(I’ve since been diagnosed with cervical incompetence and thankfully there is a procedure which allows me to carry to full term. Troy and I have 4 healthy children who run around wild at home while we try to maintain the mess!)
If you’ve ever experienced the loss of a baby, please know you are not alone. Your story holds power and love. If you are a friend or support person for someone who has walked through pregnancy loss, please know a wonderful thing you can do for them is to show up, listen, and let them be exactly where they are in their process.