Dear Tooth Fairy Manager,
I am writing to file a formal complaint. I am afraid the service provided by my Tooth Fairy has become unacceptable. To be honest, things have been going downhill for a while now.
When I was really young, the service was good and consistent. But for the last few years, things seem to have really deteriorated. It started with strange delivery times. One morning, I awoke to find the tooth still under my pillow. After going to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I returned and found the tooth gone and the money there. My mom said maybe my Tooth Fairy delivers to her assigned kids in alphabetical order by mother’s name. Since my mom’s last name starts with “Z,” she must have gotten to me last. She had until the shift ended at 8 am to complete her assignments, but I thought that was cutting it close.
Recently though, she didn’t deliver the night I lost my tooth at all or even the next morning, but the following day while I was at school. My mom said maybe the Tooth Fairy was short-staffed like she and everyone else is these days. If that is the case, can you please help her by staffing up? Kids are depending on her.
Also, can you please talk to my Tooth Fairy about her sense of humor? I lost a tooth at school, and it broke in half. I put both pieces in the envelope, but what I received was a dollar that had been torn in half. My mom couldn’t believe it. She said the Tooth Fairy might think she is being cute, but that is defacing government property.
Speaking of dollars, do you think you could talk to the Tooth Fairy about being more consistent with the value of a tooth? There should be a list of what each type is worth. I got $5 for my first tooth, which my mom said was special and I shouldn’t expect to see every time. But once for just a regular tooth, I got a $10 bill. My mom said maybe the Tooth Fairy forgot to get change. But my cousin gets $20 for every tooth. Could I get on her Tooth Fairy’s list?
Also, why do some of my friends get the same kind of money for every tooth? One friend always gets a gold Sacagawea dollar for every tooth. Another friend gets glittery dollars each time. Maybe if you did a training for your staff, you could have your fairies operate more consistently and kids will be treated more fairly.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to get her in trouble. I do appreciate that time when I swallowed my tooth and the Tooth Fairy still delivered. She left me a note telling me my funds were being advanced in “good faith.” I am getting close to the end of my baby teeth, only a couple molars left. But I want to make sure my younger siblings are taken care of and would appreciate you bringing these issues to her attention.
Thank you in advance for your consideration in this matter.
Tommy Lawhorn, Age 11
Thank you for your letter and your recommendations to improve our service. I agree with your mom, it has been difficult to get enough Tooth Fairies to keep up with delivery demands. And I do appreciate your pointing out the inconsistencies in our services.
I like your idea of providing a payment expectations schedule for what kids and parents can expect for each type of tooth – that might help the fairies keep a better inventory. We will consider how we could deploy it to kids and parents. And your mom is correct, the normal delivery window is from 8:00 pm to 8:00 am, but schedules, staffing and supply chain issues can impact it. I appreciate your understanding the delay.
I did speak with your Tooth Fairy about the ripped dollar. Unfortunately, she misunderstood an internal policy that states “Broken or half teeth will be worth a ‘half dollar.'” We meant a fifty-cent piece. She thought we meant an actual half of a dollar. The policy has been updated to reflect that intent.
You are correct that some fairies prefer to deliver the same type of money, like Sacagawea dollars or fancy glittery ones for each tooth. Those fairies are well organized and often competing for top performer. I suggested to your Tooth Fairy that next time she receives an assignment, she should acquire at the onset all the money she will use for all 20 of that child’s baby teeth and allocate all the funds according to the payment schedule. That may help her be more organized and consistent and prevent her from having to scrounge around for money or end up having to pay extra because no one had change for a $20.
Finally, I understand you are coming down to your last tooth soon. I want to thank you for being such a loyal customer all these years and for making your concerns known to us so we can continue to improve our customer service. As always, we appreciate your leaving your tooth in an envelope under your pillow and close to the edge of your bed. This aids in our Tooth Fairies’ ability to provide efficient service to all of their assigned children.
Thank you and take care.
Tooth Fairy Management