When You’re Not The Crunchiest Mom Around

crunchiest mom
I am not what you could consider the crunchiest mom. I have mom friends who’d I’d say are crunchy, and they’re awesome. This is not about not liking someone’s crunch.

What Makes a Crunchy Mom?

But, if you are more like me and had a fully medicated birth, only nursed for a few months, let your child poop in non-cloth diapers, and the only baby-wearing that was done was the nine months in utero, you probably aren’t a crunchy mom either.
This list might help you decide, too (I don’t even want to know about #13 on the list).

If You’re Not Crunchiest Mom?

But not being a crunchy mama and not wanting to ostracize myself from the mamas who are, I’ve learned a few things to do when you’re not the crunchiest mom around:
1. Learn to shop at Trader Joes for any food you’re taking to a play date.  Any Trader Joes food item will be accepted with open arms, even cookie butter. And bonus, Trader Joes is super yummy, even for us non-crunchy mamas.
2. If asked about your birth story, play the “my husband was deployed… DEPLOYED” card or any other card you can think of to explain why you didn’t know what a birth plan was, much less have a water birth planned. And try to avoid words like “epidural” and “all the drugs ever made,” when talking about the birth of your child.
3. Place your Easy Mac into a different container when around others. No one will know what brand of mac-n-cheese you’re eating… unless you share. Then you will be that mom who introduced their kid to the magical world of Kraft Easy Mac.
4. Tell your crunchy mom friends that your brownies were made with carob and honey. Trust me. But that’s as far as you should go with brownies. Don’t try some chocolate/zucchini concoction. People who mix chocolate and veggies can’t be trusted.
5. Teach your kids words like “chicken nuggets” and “hot dogs” are actually “free-range, hormone-free, lightly breaded in almond four chicken nuggets” and “turkey the-kind-you’d-wanna-eat-for-thanksgiving dogs” instead. Also, you’re helping your child’s vocabulary. And it’s also nut-free butter*…. yeah, Skippy’s makes that now…

Obviously, I’m joking. I have never, ever done any other those things….

But what have you done when you weren’t the crunchiest mom around? 


*Also, I don’t recommend telling someone it’s nut-free butter when it’s actually peanut butter. Allergies people.


  1. BAHAHAHAAAAA! This is hilarious! Can we still be friends if I am somewhere in between crunchy and not crunchy?!? Can’t wait to share this one 😉

  2. What have you done when you’re not the crunchiest mom around? Don’t forget that when you bring snacks to playgroup, they’d better not be brought in anything that can be thrown away (i.e. plastic baggies). Be sure to put them into home-sewn cloth bags or some sort of rewashable tupperware container! And if you’re really desperate to fit in, double diaper your kid so that their bum is as big as all the cloth-diaper kids there. 😉
    Seriously though, funny article, made me laugh!

    • Sara- I literally busted out laughing! Those are hilarious!! Especially the doubling up on diapers! Soo funny=)

  3. TeeHee! Great post Abi! I agree that people who mix chocolate and veggies can’t be trusted. Desserts should not be so adulterated.

  4. I’m so glad I’m not the only mom around that isn’t a crunchy one! My two year old lives on Easy Mac! 🙂

  5. So you recommend lying to people with differing beliefs/values (even to point of consumption)– rather than just smiling and being comfortable with yourself? What’s wrong with not being crunchy? If they are going to judge you, don’t bother, they aren’t worth your lies.
    You should be more comfortable with yourself.
    I don’t know, accuse me of not having a sense of humor all you want, but can’t find lies and allergies funny… It’s like the comedian that tries to be funny but is too bitter.

    • And lying about your husband’s deployment goes beyond tacky to atrocious. Do you know anyone who actually has a deployment in their family?

      • Bob,

        She said she was joking and hadn’t actually done these things. And I didn’t get the impression that she was lying about her husband being deployed while giving birth. In fact, if you’d taken the time to read her bio, it says that her husband works for Uncle Sam and they are a military family. Her disclaimer at the bottom even goes as far to say that she clearly doesn’t condone lying about peanut butter and allergies. So yes, you do not have a sense of humor. Lighten up.

      • I’d guess this post was not written for readers like Bob. Yeah it was meant to be funny, about the WISH to avoid the condescending looks and “knowing” laughs between the crunchy moms if they ask you for the ingredient list on your kid’s snack, and you don’t have it fully memorized. I’m pretty sure no one really would take this as actionable advice. It’s written in jest and you’re reading it pretty literally.

      • Bob, I saw nothing in her statement indicating that she lied about deployment. “Playing the deployment card’ is a common expression among those of us that have loved ones that leave us to serve overseas. It is an explanation, to those who understand it, as to why things are not done as perfectly as some would like.
        During deployment, we do our best to do things the way we would really like to see them done, but sometimes when our spouse is overseas, we “play the deployment card” to explain why sometimes our best is not they way we, or others, think it should really be done. Because, while they are gone, our best at the time, is the best we can do. And ‘playing the deployment’ card, is the expression we use to describe how you can quickly make someone understand that you are doing your best, what all you are dealing with, and get them to stop judging.

      • Bob-
        I am sincerely sorry this post hit a nerve with you, as the only intention was for us, moms, to crack a smile at ourselves and the different ways we mother.

        But, to be clear… I did not lie about deployment. My husband was deployed right up until my son was born, and…that wasn’t our only deployment. My husband was deployed for over seven months of my son’s first year of life, along with other multiple times in our marriage. I’m no stranger to deployments.

        I kindly accept your apology for your hastily-written words about me, concerning deployments.

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